Ins and Outs

This little girl is two. She’s the kind that melts your heart. She’s very, very sick. Her chemotherapy is causing sores from one end to the other. She has sores in her in her mouth, down her throat, and across her entire bottom. Open, excoriated, necrotic. Bleeding red and black. I have never seen anything like this. I’m easing her into a warm bath. She’s squirming and wincing, shaking her head and crying no, no, no. I hate myself right now, that I have to do this. Because I have nothing else to offer, I hand her a plastic cup to splash around with. She takes it and she smiles up at me. All teeth and dimples. And for a minute I can’t breathe. Because I don’t deserve that smile right now and she’s giving it to me anyway.